Comments for Carolyn Matheson http://carolynsmatheson.com Just another WordPress weblog Sun, 29 Jan 2012 01:51:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 Comment on Beat the bully at work 7 top tips by sarah http://carolynsmatheson.com/beat-the-bully-at-work-7-top-tips/comment-page-1/#comment-128 sarah Sun, 29 Jan 2012 01:51:32 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=214#comment-128 Hi, In my experience the bully has very low self esteem and has to make themselves look good by denigrating someone they perceive to be better then them in some way ( Prettier, cleverer, more organised, popular etc) Bullies have issues from childhood which need addressing by counselling. It is nothing to do with YOU or how you act or speak or look, this is THEIR issue. The adult bully has got through life by being aggressive and it's worked! They tend to be very manipulative and this gets them in a position of power where they have control over other people which then feeds the bullying! Most managers do not want to deal with bullying because they themselves can not manage the bully or they may even be the bully! Management do not want a time consuming investigation to do and will ignore it for as long as possible. But remember NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad at work, we have laws in this country to protect us. Human Rights, Health and Safety at work act, Harassment act. Management must accept vicarious liability if you are reporting this behavior and they are doing nothing about it. Always report to the management in writing either by letter or e-mail and save a copy for your records.They have a responsibility to protect your health and welfare while you are at work. If the bully is your manger go above them to their manager, if you feel you can not do this, go to the next above them or write a letter, keeping things very factual. If you are a member of a union then always take their advice. My tips for dealing with the bully is to ignore the minor things ( the bully can not get their kicks if you ignore them) but YOU MUST confront major things. Ask the bully to explain what they meant when they just did or said something to upset you.( Even if this is in front of others) Tell them you do not appreciate being treated in this way and ask them why they are doing this. Listen calmly, do not show any emotion. Be respectful, but if the bully is not being reasonable say I want you to think about how you are behaving right now, then walk away. Document EVERYTHING this is really important, if witnesses are around write down their names. If the bullying continues confront it EVERY time. Ask HR for a copy of the Health and safety policy and bullying/harassment policy. Make sure that if you feel you need to go further ie formal complaint, that you follow the policy to the T. Sometimes when you confront the bully, and mention formal complaint/grievance etc the bully may make a complaint about YOUR behaviour. This is classic bully behaviour, when confronted they become 'the victim'. Do not let this put you off, carry it through because YOU will be well prepared...documentation ,times, dates, witnesses s etc and the bully will have nothing because they think they can manipulate their way out of it. Sadly, very often the bully will continue to bully you no matter what. You must understand that this is part of their personality and they will not be able to change unless they have counselling. Sometimes the only alternative is to find another job, especially where the constant bullying is affecting your health. Once you are gone the bully will turn their attention on the next poor unsuspecting victim. What we need is legislation that sets out clear guidelines for workplace bullying and that one of the conditions is that the bully attends counselling. NO adult should be behaving in an aggressive, threatening or disrespectful manner to his work colleagues. Sorry not to end on a positive note but I hope some find this helpful Hi,
In my experience the bully has very low self esteem and has to make themselves look good by denigrating someone they perceive to be better then them in some way ( Prettier, cleverer, more organised, popular etc) Bullies have issues from childhood which need addressing by counselling. It is nothing to do with YOU or how you act or speak or look, this is THEIR issue.
The adult bully has got through life by being aggressive and it’s worked! They tend to be very manipulative and this gets them in a position of power where they have control over other people which then feeds the bullying!
Most managers do not want to deal with bullying because they themselves can not manage the bully or they may even be the bully! Management do not want a time consuming investigation to do and will ignore it for as long as possible. But remember NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad at work, we have laws in this country to protect us. Human Rights, Health and Safety at work act, Harassment act. Management must accept vicarious liability if you are reporting this behavior and they are doing nothing about it. Always report to the management in writing either by letter or e-mail and save a copy for your records.They have a responsibility to protect your health and welfare while you are at work. If the bully is your manger go above them to their manager, if you feel you can not do this, go to the next above them or write a letter, keeping things very factual. If you are a member of a union then always take their advice.
My tips for dealing with the bully is to ignore the minor things ( the bully can not get their kicks if you ignore them) but YOU MUST confront major things. Ask the bully to explain what they meant when they just did or said something to upset you.( Even if this is in front of others) Tell them you do not appreciate being treated in this way and ask them why they are doing this. Listen calmly, do not show any emotion. Be respectful, but if the bully is not being reasonable say I want you to think about how you are behaving right now, then walk away. Document EVERYTHING this is really important, if witnesses are around write down their names. If the bullying continues confront it EVERY time. Ask HR for a copy of the Health and safety policy and bullying/harassment policy. Make sure that if you feel you need to go further ie formal complaint, that you follow the policy to the T.
Sometimes when you confront the bully, and mention formal complaint/grievance etc the bully may make a complaint about YOUR behaviour. This is classic bully behaviour, when confronted they become ‘the victim’. Do not let this put you off, carry it through because YOU will be well prepared…documentation ,times, dates, witnesses s etc and the bully will have nothing because they think they can manipulate their way out of it. Sadly, very often the bully will continue to bully you no matter what. You must understand that this is part of their personality and they will not be able to change unless they have counselling. Sometimes the only alternative is to find another job, especially where the constant bullying is affecting your health. Once you are gone the bully will turn their attention on the next poor unsuspecting victim. What we need is legislation that sets out clear guidelines for workplace bullying and that one of the conditions is that the bully attends counselling. NO adult should be behaving in an aggressive, threatening or disrespectful manner to his work colleagues. Sorry not to end on a positive note but I hope some find this helpful

]]> Comment on Beware of the bully – top tips to deal with bullying by IT Professional http://carolynsmatheson.com/beware-of-the-bully-%e2%80%93-top-tips-to-deal-with-bullying/comment-page-1/#comment-107 IT Professional Thu, 03 Nov 2011 07:44:10 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=201#comment-107 Carolyn does bring up some very good points. However, what Rick is saying is more realistic of what actually happens to you when you get bullied at work. I am an IT professional and have been in the field for 15 years now, and have experienced bullying in every one of my jobs. Based upon my cumulative experiences, I can safely say that if you are being bullied it won't matter how intelligent, capable and hard working you are. Nor will it matter how meticulous of a log you keep (of the bully's behavior), whether or not you confront the bully, or whether or not you go to HR (or management/supervisors) to speak out against the bully - as you will never be able to "prove" the bully's behavior. They may seem concerned at first, but if you continue to go to them (because the bullying continues to occur), they will start acting like you are the problem and that you are overreacting and that you are bothering them. Having workplace allies is good, but persistently being bullied will eventually isolate you from them as well. This is the nature of bullying. Bullying takes its toll on everything - your focus, your energy, your drive, your performance, your self-confidence and ultimately your professional relationships. What Rick is saying about targets is also true - we are hard working and we do good work. And yes - we are too decent to try the methods that he suggests, which (as he states) is exactly why we are being bullied in the first place. Bullies target us because they know they can. Whenever I start a new job, the best that I can hope for is that I won't have to deal with a bully right away (e.g., a bully is not on my team, doesn't sit near me, is not on any of my projects, etc.). Then at least I can get the chance to do my work and prove myself before one does come along and ruin everything. All I can do is continue to learn about bullies, with the hope that the more I understand them (e.g., what they are, what they do, how they do it, why they do it), the better able I will get at dealing with them. IT Professional Carolyn does bring up some very good points. However, what Rick is saying is more realistic of what actually happens to you when you get bullied at work. I am an IT professional and have been in the field for 15 years now, and have experienced bullying in every one of my jobs.

Based upon my cumulative experiences, I can safely say that if you are being bullied it won’t matter how intelligent, capable and hard working you are. Nor will it matter how meticulous of a log you keep (of the bully’s behavior), whether or not you confront the bully, or whether or not you go to HR (or management/supervisors) to speak out against the bully – as you will never be able to “prove” the bully’s behavior. They may seem concerned at first, but if you continue to go to them (because the bullying continues to occur), they will start acting like you are the problem and that you are overreacting and that you are bothering them.

Having workplace allies is good, but persistently being bullied will eventually isolate you from them as well. This is the nature of bullying. Bullying takes its toll on everything – your focus, your energy, your drive, your performance, your self-confidence and ultimately your professional relationships.

What Rick is saying about targets is also true – we are hard working and we do good work. And yes – we are too decent to try the methods that he suggests, which (as he states) is exactly why we are being bullied in the first place. Bullies target us because they know they can.

Whenever I start a new job, the best that I can hope for is that I won’t have to deal with a bully right away (e.g., a bully is not on my team, doesn’t sit near me, is not on any of my projects, etc.). Then at least I can get the chance to do my work and prove myself before one does come along and ruin everything.

All I can do is continue to learn about bullies, with the hope that the more I understand them (e.g., what they are, what they do, how they do it, why they do it), the better able I will get at dealing with them.

IT Professional

]]> Comment on A moment in time treasured forever by Carolyn Matheson http://carolynsmatheson.com/a-moment-in-time-treasured-forever/comment-page-1/#comment-106 Carolyn Matheson Thu, 27 Oct 2011 09:31:38 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=295#comment-106 Sheila I too hope u make it 3 times. Yes its true we do tell others unvarnished truth and it helps us all to deal with life in a different way Sheila I too hope u make it 3 times. Yes its true we do tell others unvarnished truth and it helps us all to deal with life in a different way

]]> Comment on A moment in time treasured forever by Carolyn Matheson http://carolynsmatheson.com/a-moment-in-time-treasured-forever/comment-page-1/#comment-105 Carolyn Matheson Thu, 27 Oct 2011 09:29:52 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=295#comment-105 Katy thank you and so special for u to know exactly what I am talking about. Yes feeling good today! Katy thank you and so special for u to know exactly what I am talking about. Yes feeling good today!

]]> Comment on A moment in time treasured forever by Katy Board http://carolynsmatheson.com/a-moment-in-time-treasured-forever/comment-page-1/#comment-104 Katy Board Thu, 27 Oct 2011 09:06:14 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=295#comment-104 What you say is so very true :) It has amazed me over the years at the kindness and strength I've received from virtual strangers, who all just happened to be in the same ward as myself, or the same forum as I use, but have the same experiences as me when dealing with chronic illness and pain. As long as there are people like this in the world, it makes it easier to bear what we have to, doesn't it? :) I do hope you recover well from the surgery :) What you say is so very true :)
It has amazed me over the years at the kindness and strength I’ve received from virtual strangers, who all just happened to be in the same ward as myself, or the same forum as I use, but have the same experiences as me when dealing with chronic illness and pain.
As long as there are people like this in the world, it makes it easier to bear what we have to, doesn’t it? :)

I do hope you recover well from the surgery :)

]]> Comment on A moment in time treasured forever by Sheila Kutner http://carolynsmatheson.com/a-moment-in-time-treasured-forever/comment-page-1/#comment-103 Sheila Kutner Wed, 26 Oct 2011 20:37:20 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=295#comment-103 As a two time cancer survivor ( and right now hoping to make it three times) I connect with your experience. There's no commeraderie like sharing a room with people who can understand while you understand them. We got each other water, blankets, magazines and told each other the unvarnished truth about how we feel and how we thrive. As a two time cancer survivor ( and right now hoping to make it three times) I connect with your experience. There’s no commeraderie like sharing a room with people who can understand while you understand them. We got each other water, blankets, magazines and told each other the unvarnished truth about how we feel and how we thrive.

]]> Comment on Beat the bully at work 7 top tips by Al Thomson http://carolynsmatheson.com/beat-the-bully-at-work-7-top-tips/comment-page-1/#comment-84 Al Thomson Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:26:27 +0000 http://carolynsmatheson.com/?p=214#comment-84 Your information is helpful in cases where management actually does more than cry crocodile tears for a bully's target. Dangerous bullies sometimes hold management hostage as well. It appears my bully is a serial bully who at an earlier time bullied her own boss apparently resulting in a conflict in which the bully gets to play victim. I did all the things you (and others) suggest only to find that management is in denial when it comes to acknowledging the harm and expense bullies cause. I doubt a normal business could afford to ignore a sociopathic bully. It's apparently easier for a government agency to do so. My written complaints and documentation seem to have produced a mobbing effect. I lobbied to get my state govt. to pass anti bullying legislation. During this time I met other govt. employees who also experienced similar bullying. Although this legislation gets closer and closer to getting passed, I can't help but notice that my own union still fails to support it. There's no quick fix when management is in denial, but yours is one of the better sites I've visited. In the meantime I look forward to the day our bully or management slips up. Serial bullies usually work on one target at a time. I met one of her former victims by chance and couldn't help but notice the psychological distress presented when I mentioned her name. Please wish me luck. Thanks for the opportunity to post. Al Your information is helpful in cases where management actually does more than cry crocodile tears for a bully’s target. Dangerous bullies sometimes hold management hostage as well. It appears my bully is a serial bully who at an earlier time bullied her own boss apparently resulting in a conflict in which the bully gets to play victim. I did all the things you (and others) suggest only to find that management is in denial when it comes to acknowledging the harm and expense bullies cause. I doubt a normal business could afford to ignore a sociopathic bully. It’s apparently easier for a government agency to do so. My written complaints and documentation seem to have produced a mobbing effect. I lobbied to get my state govt. to pass anti bullying legislation. During this time I met other govt. employees who also experienced similar bullying. Although this legislation gets closer and closer to getting passed, I can’t help but notice that my own union still fails to support it. There’s no quick fix when management is in denial, but yours is one of the better sites I’ve visited. In the meantime I look forward to the day our bully or management slips up. Serial bullies usually work on one target at a time. I met one of her former victims by chance and couldn’t help but notice the psychological distress presented when I mentioned her name. Please wish me luck. Thanks for the opportunity to post. Al

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