I have been feeling so rotten for the last few months. I have just spent 16 nights in hospital for intensive drug treatment and 10 days at home resting to recover, I came out of hospital exhausted. I had been very unwell before I went into hospital too.
Just getting up some mornings has felt a real effort. Thinking of washing my hair or worrying about getting dressed has been far from my mind. I am not worried if I don’t clean my teeth it just doesn’t seem important some days.
During the dark days as they seem to me I wonder if I will ever get well again. I try and focus on not worrying about what will happen about tomorrow; will I feel well again tomorrow. Instead I have found it more helpful to think about the moment I am in. In my heart I know the tough times will pass.
Last Friday I suddenly felt able to do so much more. It is tempting to rush around and do everything that hasn’t been done for so long. But I know there will be a price to pay. I will overtire too easily and could be back at square one.
I have had to make some tough decisions about how much work I can take on. It seemed a tough decision before I had the courage to jump and finally make the decision. It feels now a complete weight has been lifted off me. It feels as though in my head I had all sorts of ‘untidy cupboards or piles of paper’ to go through. That is just a metaphor for how I was feeling. Now the cloud has lifted and I can just concentrate on living today the very best I can.
Feeling well again means I can see the colours on the flowers and trees and hear the birds sing. I am not thinking about my next trip to hospital in 2 months. Thinking that far ahead won’t serve any useful purpose today.
I didn’t choose to get sick. But I so much stronger mentally and feel that I will always be able to handle any obstacles that come my way. It’s not that I didn’t do that before; it just feels as though I have learnt more about myself in a way that I can use in such a positive way.
If you are having a tough time how can you think differently about your situation?
I go back to “first principles.” In other words, I review my core values and goals. This always helps me refocus. Often when I’m feeling rotten it feels like I’m at sea with no paddle, just trying to keep waves from swamping me. When I refocus it’s like finding a paddle, giving me a compass, reminding me to stop futile activities that get me nowhere and just contribute to the stress. “What do I want? What is important to me?” If what I’m spending my time on right now has nothing to do with the answer to those questions, then why am I doing it? Is it a question of not seeing the connection between what I want and what I’m doing? What I mean by that is, if I’m cranky about cleaning up after the dog, I remind myself that that dog was my choice, she brings joy into our lives, she’s helping my daughter learn to be responsible, and so many other good things and also – she poops in the yard. So when I can see the connection between the poop and the joy it makes cleaning up less stressful. Does that make sense? You can take that as literal, or as a metaphor. It works both ways.
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